he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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