I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
