No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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