My first STD was from a foam party
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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