he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
