Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
