i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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