Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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