i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
