On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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