His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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