its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
