Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My bed smells like the plague
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
