I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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