he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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