Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
