Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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