He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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