i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What a dumb baby whore.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
