I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
