Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
