I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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