Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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