i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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