oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
