i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
