I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
