i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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