I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
