Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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