Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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