I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
