i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
