mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So vagazzling was a success
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
