You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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