3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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