im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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