Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
