Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you will always have a special place in my vag
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
