they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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