Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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