I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize