: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
