So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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