We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
