sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
