Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
