You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize