Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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