dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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