uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
