You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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