Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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