my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
