I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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