dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
