i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
