We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize