why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
